Trigger Warning:
This post includes sensitive topics, such as abortion and abuse. Please take care of yourself and skip this post if these topics will hurt you. I love you all and I understand this is something that is very emotional, but this is my story and I deserve to tell it.
Happy Birthday by Flipsyde ft. Piper
Dear little sprout,
I think about you all the time.. You would be 7 right now.
Who would you look like? Would you have my smile? Or my eyes?
Do you understand why I made the decision?
Could you see all the chaos circling our possible life together?
Could you see the man we would be tied to?
Most of all, I wonder if I will ever get another chance to meet you. I wonder if I made a mistake.
I know some people will call me selfish and heartless and I don’t blame them. Sometimes I feel I was.
BUT, I know how our lives would have been.
Full of yelling and crying, instead of giggles and smiles. We would be hiding and fighting instead of loving and playing. Our learning and growth would be anxiety and worry.
Worst of all, you would have had HIM as your father.
I wish our lives could have been healthy and happy. I wish we could have enjoyed our moments together.
In my ideal world..
..we would have read together every night and cuddled until you fell asleep. We would have gone to the beaches and redwoods to play in the water. I can see us holding hands as you learn to walk or your teachers’ kind words, ‘cause I know you would be a little angel, of course.
In our real life..
..we would be stuck in a world where fear and sadness filled our house. We would try to make it our own and be happy. I would have tried my absolute best to be the mama you deserved, but trying isn’t good enough and well wishes aren’t a reality.
Truth is, I wasn’t the mama you needed, I wasn’t a person at all.
I was 100 pounds when I found out about you, sleeping most days and crying most nights. I had lost all of my friends and isolated myself from our family. He convinced me I would never be happy again.
And then there was you.
I went to the doctor thinking you were a stomach bug. The lucky, older, doctor who saw me asked if pregnancy was a possibility and even though I denied it, he gave me a pregnancy test.
I can hear the judgment already. “Why are you having sex with someone who is so horrible to you?”
Because, sometimes it was the only way to get him away from me, peacefully. Sometimes I didn’t consent. Sometimes, his abuse was all I had and I was clinging to any sort of attention I could get.
I was positive that the doctor was going to tell me that I was highly underweight and I needed rest.
That was not his response, he told me about you.
I burst into tears and as much as I want to say they were happy tears, I was terrified. He gave me time alone and a box of tissues. I did my best to pull myself together so I could walk to my car without eyes following.
I wasn’t scared of birth or telling my family, I was scared of telling your father.
He wasn’t around and when he was, he hated me, but I wasn’t allowed to be by myself
I was petrified that he would treat you the same. I was scared to death that he would make you feel small and unloved.
You see, I was learning that he didn’t know how to love.
Eventually, I did tell him. He was your father after all, I had to.
I’d like to say he was happy about you but he didn’t care about either of us. He was dismissive and cold to us. It was as though you didn’t exist to him.
My mom did all she could to be there for us but she wanted him to hold some accountability. When I tried to ask for help, he refused and our communication was cut. I couldn’t admit to her what my reality was, so I made the worst decision of my life all by myself. He had no opinion, he didn’t care about us.
I thought about our life, just you and I. It sounded like bliss at first, until I remembered him.
He wouldn’t have let us live a joyous life, he would have ruined everything. He needed to be the center of attention and the only way he knew how was by destroying every happy moment I had. Every happy moment would be taken away from you, your bright light would be dimmed daily.
He had never let me move on or find happiness before we knew about you, he definitely wouldn’t leave us alone knowing you were his also. Our lives would become hell on earth.
He would have broken your spirit and made you feel insignificant. I couldn’t bear the thought of him ruining your sweet soul or imagine the words he would say to you or the disappointment you would feel every day.
It felt more selfish to bring you into such a horrible, terrible, scary life.
All of the love in the world wouldn’t have been enough to protect you, to protect us.
Oh how I wish I could have protected you, from him and myself.
I dream about us all the time my little sprout. Sometimes I think I can feel you, surrounding me with understanding and love. Other times, I feel crazy for thinking you are here.
No matter where you are, please know I love you, I wanted you and I miss you.
I hope I will have another chance to meet you again, but if I don’t, I understand. If you blessed another mama with your soul, I hope you are getting the childhood you deserve.
Forever and always, my baby you’ll be.
Love, a lady who wishes to meet you.