Chasing Friendships
Humans are social beings, we need to have relationships. (Even us introverts need people!) Connections are required, but they aren’t always good for us. Some of these relationships end peacefully, some fade out, some turn into forever, some into an obsession and some end traumatically, but all of them shape us. It is always a gamble, and that sort of scares me. I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s terrifying!
Because of this fear, most of my relationships have been one-on-one. It is SO much easier to get a read on one person than a whole dang room, so when I found someone I connected with, I clung to them and put all my eggs in their basket!
Who needs to meet lots of friends when you have a favorite one?!
However, as most humans do, my favorite friend would have other friends that I would need to meet and connect with. I would mold like clay into whatever friend group I was around in the beginning, slowly pulling my personality out as I felt accepted.
After some time, I created genuine friendships with some amazing humans, opening up to them, creating connections. But none of them topped my original favorite human. My favorite came before anyone and anything, we were a pair! Every one of my favorites were on a pedestal like they were perfect. I believed them over everything else until the evidence hit me, hard, in the face.
Eventually we all learn that not everyone is genuine, including favorite friends and that we shouldn’t put anyone that high up. This lesson stuck until I would meet my next favorite. I would convince myself they were different and the cycle would start again.
Admiration between my favorites and I was mutual (I hope) but I was definitely the obsessed one, the codependent one. I need to be needed by them, even with other friends.
Can you foresee what my romantic relationships look like? I could get the love bombing I was searching for in a whole new, exciting way and I didn’t care who it came from.
12-year-old me was so excited to meet BF#1. (Boyfriend #1)